07.31.05
Posted in General at 8:05 pm by Jules
“…my bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep. It poisons me, I can’t swim free, the river is too deep…”
I have so much I want and need to say, but I can’t really seem to say any of it. If I ever talk to people about this crap out loud, I always end up feeling like a seriously fucked-up individual, and I imagine them thinking, “Oh my god… Please shut up.. I might catch it if you continue!” The one person I’m able to most easily talk to has heard it all so many times, I know she must be tired of it at this point, and we rarely get to talk anymore which sucks.
I’m being morose here, but I can do that; it’s my blog. Sometimes, I seriously just want to cease to exist. It would hurt a lot fucking less.
Blah
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07.29.05
Posted in General at 7:07 am by Jules
Bad enough I had to give up my car today (bad weather + motorcycle = wet Skip)… even worse, I left my coffee in the car! Even worse, Skip doesn’t have his [insert most extreme expletive you can imagine here] cell phone on, so I can’t tell him to bring it to me!
GRAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a brighter note, I got some new shoes yesterday!
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07.28.05
Posted in General at 8:08 am by Jules
I got an email from Jesus this morning. Who knew he did Logo design in addition to carpentry??
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Posted in General at 7:02 am by Jules
So, since there was no one online to chat with this morning, I spent some quality time with my new Guzzlefish account. BANE ROOLZ! THANK U SO MUCH U R SO COOL!
This is a nifty lil’ site, and I’m so glad he told me ’bout it. YAY.
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Posted in General at 12:57 am by Jules
It’s almost 2:00 a.m., and I can’t seem to go back to sleep. 
I had trouble getting to sleep.. then I woke up later and couldn’t go back to sleep. Add to this the fact that I was hungry and my arm was hurting really badly, and… well, sleep just wasn’t happening.
So, I decided to get up, come in here, log on, and just dick about for awhile and perhaps get sleepy. Thing is, I think it’s worked because now I’m really really really tired. LOL. Maybe I’ll try to go back to bed now. No one online to talk to. *le sigh*
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07.27.05
Posted in General at 8:11 am by Jules
You’d think as much as I like roller coasters, my own private continuing one might be fun.
WELL IT’S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got up early this morning, but I didn’t do my Yoga. I was distracted. 
And I suppose since I didn’t do that, now I’m unusually sleepy at 9:10 a.m., even after 6 cups of coffee. (That’s cups, not mugs. Actual measurement: cups.) And I’m bored, so I’m bugging Jake on IM, and I know he’s ready to throw Diva’s coffee cup at me. But I don’t care! :P
I’m sleepy but bored and hyper and rambling and just…. *sigh*
K, so… maybe I can find some work to do.
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07.26.05
Posted in General at 2:46 pm by Jules
A day starts out good then at some point just goes to shit. *sigh* I get so tired of myself sometimes. I just want to get away from me, but that’s impossible - except when I’m sleeping. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so hesitant to get up in the mornings.
I’m feeling very overburdened with lots of things right now and feel a major personality shift on the rise… or something.
MEH!
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Posted in General at 9:44 am by Jules
I got up this morning at 5:15, so I had time to do my Yoga again. YAY!! I’ve only done it once since June 10th or so! *eek* I haven’t been able to drag myself out of bed for some reason, and it’s not that I didn’t want to do the Yoga; I just couldn’t wake up! I would set my alarm for 5:00 every morning and not wake up until 6:30. I’d either sleep through the blaring radio or keep hitting snooze without ever being conscious of it.
ANYWAY!! I did it this morning, and it felt so good! 
YAY for me.
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07.25.05
Posted in General at 3:57 pm by Jules
I ordered some new checks today! Dere preeettty….
So, I was thinking the other day about making a trip out to California next June. 1) To visit Diva and JakeD and 2) to go to Trothmoot. I had thought about driving and stopping by to pick up Bane on the way, but… driving would take too many days. Anyway, I hope I can make this trip a reality; it would SO ROOL!
K, so I posted about something postivie! BYE!
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07.22.05
Posted in General at 2:29 pm by Jules
Why is it that I only really feel the urge to put something here when I’m pissed off or upset or depressed or otherwise in a super negative type mood? I just realized, reading through this stuff, that if someone were to read my entries (someone who doesn’t know me WELL), he/she would think I must be one of the most morose and complaining people on the planet. 
I need to stop doing that!
I’m really not that way all the time. Swear!!
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Posted in General at 2:26 pm by Jules
I am so PISSED OFF right now… I just want to scream and hit people.
Bad thing is, I don’t really know why.
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Posted in General at 6:19 am by Jules
I just cannot seem to get it together here lately. I’ve been in this pervasive depressive-type state for a couple of weeks now, nothing interests me much, I have no motivation for anything, and I cannot seem to make myself get out of the bed early enough in the mornings. It’s driving me mad(der). On top of all that, we suddenly have a huge ant problem in the house. By huge ant, I mean that literally. These fuckers are HUGE! I don’t know where they’re coming from all of a sudden, but they’re getting on my damn nerves. BIG time. I’ve sprayed down our entire kitchen, yet they keep showing up on front of the dishwasher. WTF is that about?? Guess I’ll have to deal with that more when I get home from work today.
There are some good things going on. My mom took me shopping yesterday, and I got three new pairs of capris. So, that’s definitely cool.
Another not-so-cool thing, though. I couldn’t get in to see the therapist I was going to see because of “conflict of interest.” That sucks. Now I have to find someone else who is on my PPO list. *le sigh* Gotta love insurance companies.
Ok, I’m done belly-aching for the moment.
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07.19.05
Posted in General at 10:32 am by Jules
I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) with Cyclothymia.
I want therapy.
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07.18.05
Posted in General at 2:59 pm by Jules
I am just in such a fucked up mood this afternoon. I DO NOT want to be at work today, and I’m frustrated because I just have a feeling the rest of the week here is going to be seriously fracked up.
Also, I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to do or supposed to HAVE done and I haven’t or something. I hate that feeling; I really hate that feeling.
You know what? I think I’ve found that I just use the word “hate” way too much. Maybe I need to start concentrating more on positive affirmations rather than constantly dogging myself (and others) out.
Hmmmm.
Nah, fuck that. 
LOL
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07.14.05
Posted in General at 3:55 pm by Jules
Had elk burgers today cooked in a mushroom and onion gravy.
YUMMY.
Elk is good.
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07.13.05
Posted in General at 1:15 pm by Jules
…when I screw up.
Add on top of that the fact that I have to tell my boss I screwed up and he acts all weird and doesn’t talk much the rest of the day and I’m not sure if it’s because I screwed up and he’s pissed or if there was something wrong with him already and I’m just personalizing things too much but it makes me end up worrying about the shit for-like-ever and it irritates me because I’m my own worst critic anyway and I’m already pissed that I screwed up but then I get mad and think, “That’s not right because I rarely screw up and do such a damn good job for this company,” etc. and then I go back to phase one.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
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07.11.05
Posted in General at 8:06 am by Jules
Shitty, lazy weekend… and my neck hurts SO BAD this morning, I’m ready to kill people.
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07.08.05
Posted in General at 3:55 pm by Jules
Why can’t I make myself fix my blog site to look like I want? I know I could do it with a bit of time, study, and patience. I just don’t wanna!!! I’ve tried to trick my best friend into doing it, and I’ve even tried to beg Bane to do it. LMAO. I just don’t wanna.
Look at how purty it would be:
http://jules.draaz.com/layout01.gif
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07.06.05
Posted in General at 3:07 pm by Jules
So, I should take that back, I suppose. I guess it takes it awhile to “learn” based on my telling it stuff is junk. I see more and more of the C1alis and Pr0n stuff making it to my JUNK folder now.
YAY Thunderbird!!!
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Posted in General at 12:27 pm by Jules
I am SO TIRED of the freakin’ pr0n spam, I could SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I use Thunderbird, and it has built-in SPAM tools, and I have it turned on to “train” itself. I faithfully click the damn JUNK button on all of these fuckers that come through, but it doesn’t seem to be working properly. *SIGH*!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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