11.29.05
Posted in General at 8:38 am by Jules
Approaching life’s situations with reckless abandon has given me lots of joy and lots of strife over the years. There have been times I’ve sworn never to do it again, insisting that things would be better if I go at them from a more logical and responsible perspective. I have failed in that endeavor many times. I’m getting to a point where I think it’s just a futile attempt at self-preservation and protection which will just never exist, anyway.
The raw parts of my heart have been irritated so often, I don’t think the wounds will ever actually heal. I used to trust my gut implicitly. I don’t, anymore. I can’t, anymore. This is especially troublesome to me because it means I have to actually rely on other people to be true to what they purport. I have to believe what people tell me. I have to trust that they won’t deceive me and therefore further irritate these oozing wounds I have. If I don’t do this… if I can’t do this… my life just won’t be worth a damn.
If these patterns and actions of mine had only adversely affected me all these times, it wouldn’t be nearly so bad. I’m used to how pain feels. It fucking hurts, but I’m used to it. However, all of these decisions I’ve made throughout my life have hurt those around me, as well. My family, friends, daughter, everyone… when I hurt, I share with them. They hurt. The problem is, when I get over the hurt, they tend to keep larger pieces of it with them than I do. So, how do I handle that? NOT share with them? Keep all my happiness and pain to myself? I suppose that’s a viable alternative, although it’s not one which brings a smile to my face for sure.
You know, I really believe in karma, but… I don’t think I deserve this bullshit. I do not deserve to be treated the way I’ve been treated, and I cannot believe that I do. If someone could point out to me why I deserve it, I’d be more than willing to listen. I don’t deserve to be lied to, used, betrayed, patronized, and ignored. If these things happen to me again, I feel as though trust and reckless abandon might actually become things of the past, and my life will stale as a result.
Right now, I feel like I’m in the midst of some wonderful and scary dream, and that something will awaken me and slap me down like a bitch. God, don’t let that happen.
I know this all sounds maudlin. That’s because it is. Deal with it.
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11.28.05
Posted in General at 4:49 pm by Jules
I really think I’d like to have a digital multi-track recorder. Chelle pointed me to this one after I showed her an item I was bidding on through eBay. Sadly, I don’t see having $500 extra any time soon to drop on something I may use often or may allow to collect dust. So, Chelle says, “Just stick with it!” LOL. I should do that, really. Just stick with it. Not to mention the fact that I would need to buy a good microphone, a new guitar, and other assorted equipment to really start recording stuff. Ah well! A girl can dream, anyway. 
I have to say, I’m fairly proud of myself. I’ve been playing guitar a little bit pretty much every day for a little while now. I even bought some new strings last week and slapped them on that baby. Boy, are my fingers ever happy I did that! My callouses are re-developing nicely, and I’m actually forcing myself to learn how to use a pick again.
Now, I just need to quit smoking and get my voice into better shape. 
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11.27.05
Posted in General at 12:37 pm by Jules
When you live with someone for years who lies about so many things with no real motivation, you come to suspect the most mundane of utterances. These are suspect because the motivation - or lack thereof - is so much more important than the lie. If someone will lie about something unimportant for no good reason, that person will most certainly lie about more important things. The motivation to deceive, for whatever reason, can bring about very little but pain for the person being deceived. Lies told to avoid culpability lead to nothing but dishonor and hurt.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” — Mark Twain
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11.26.05
Posted in General at 9:32 pm by Jules
I made a trip to Savannah today to spend a bit of time with my two very good friends, Teresa and Lisa. They were kind enough to brave a trip to the mall with me (two days after Thanksgiving) to exchange a gift I received from someone at Victoria’s Secret. This was the first piece of clothing I’ve ever had from there, and it’s quite attractive. I just have to be careful bending over. *heh* Also, I had to opt for a different color than the original gift because that’s all they had in that style, and I wanted to get the same kind.
I took a picture, but that’s reserved for one person and one person only. *winks at Jake* Thank you for the wonderful gift.
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11.25.05
Posted in General at 9:57 pm by Jules
Tuesday, afternoon,
I’m just beginning to see,
Now I’m on my way,
It doesn’t matter to me,
Chasing the clouds away.
Something, calls to me,
The trees are drawing me near,
I’ve got to find out why
Those gentle voices I hear
Explain it all with a sigh.
I’m looking at myself, reflections of my mind,
It’s just the kind of day to leave myself behind,
So gently swaying thru the fairy-land of love,
If you’ll just come with me and see the beauty of
Tuesday afternoon.
Tuesday afternoon.
Tuesday, afternoon,
I’m just beginning to see,
Now I’m on my way,
It doesn’t matter to me,
Chasing the clouds away.
Something, calls to me,
The trees are drawing me near,
I’ve got to find out why
Those gentle voices I hear
Explain it all with a sigh.
Sometimes, every day seems like Tuesday. 
I’ve known this song for a long time, but I never thought of it and/or viewed it as a “love song” until today. I can see that now.
Thank you, Jake.
I’ll take good care of your soul.
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11.23.05
Posted in Food and Cooking, General at 11:08 am by Jules
We’re having our annual Thanksgiving lunch here at work today. The two stars of the show are turkey and boston butt. OMGYUM!!! This is one of the really nice things about working at a small company with a “good ol’ boy” boss who likes doing things for his employees. I’m hungry, and I can smell the loveliness already. MM mm mm mm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!
Tonight, I shall begin my preparation for our family Thanksgiving meal tomorrow by frying cornbread and cooking grits (for dressing). I will probably go ahead and make my Fluffy Pumpkin Cheesecake Pie tonight, too, and get it out of the way. That way, all I have to do tomorrow morning is mix up the dressing and bake it.
I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I have a family who is supportive of me, regardless of my stupid decisions, a Dad who helps me out financially a LOT more than he should, a daughter who is brilliant and caring and kind, friends who will always listen to me bitch and whine about my neurotic hang-ups, a good job with good people, and an awesome man in my life who seems to think quite highly of me and who, through the mere sound of his voice, can still my restless soul.
Yes, I can honestly say that I have plenty for which to be thankful!
Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!
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11.22.05
Posted in Food and Cooking, General at 10:34 am by Jules
I really like the cold weather, but I don’t feel very well-equipped for it today, so my morning cigarette break was a bit less enjoyable than usual! Ah well, smokers are like mailmen. Come rain, snow, sleet, or shine… or whatever the hell that slogan is.
I’m hopefully going to (finally) have some problems in my home fixed today. The floor is in bad shape, and my kitchen light isn’t working. Do you know how much it sucks to not have a kitchen light? Anyway, this guy has been supposed to go look at it for over a week now; I suppose he’s finally getting the time today. (Something about big jobs and people laying out on him, I don’t know.) I figure he must do a good job, though, because my brother uses him for everything, and my brother is quite picky about his shit. My fondest wish - well, not my fondest, really, that’s another story - is that I will go home and be able to wash dishes with more direct light this evening. That will be after I’ve partaken of a wonderful meal consisting of venison sausage and cabbage which are in the crock pot as I speak, cooking up with some beef broth, onion chunks, salt, pepper, and other spices. Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy.
I’m feeling kinda sloppy today. My jeans are a little big, and the sweater I’m wearing feels… weird. So, yeah. There’s something to just brighten your day since it was so necessary for everyone to know. 
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11.21.05
Posted in General at 11:17 am by Jules
Rain and blah just go together SO well.
I’m not having an outstanding day due to several contributing factors. Rainy, gloomy day… worry about someone very special to me… and I’m sleepy which just doesn’t factor in worth a damn because I actually got a decent amount of sleep last night. Hmmmm. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I should’ve stayed up half the night again. Heh.
I’m also in quite the “I don’t fucking WANT to take care of that bullshit” mood today. Not good. There are some things I really need to stay on top of, and my not wanting (and therefore not doing) them isn’t good for me.
grargh
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11.18.05
Posted in General at 1:18 pm by Jules
If I were a month I would be: October - cooling off, colors changing, and Halloween.
If I were a day of the week I would be: Saturday - REST
If I were a time of day I would be: 5:00 a.m. - I like early mornings and coffee. Pleasant memories for me.
If I were a planet I would be: Venus - Mysterious and deadly. Fear me!
If I were a sea animal I would be: Blue Whale
If I were a direction I would be: South - because that’s where I’m from, y’all
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: one of those big overstuffed lounge chairs - I’d suck you in and you’d never wanna get up.
If I were a sin I would be: vulgarity - I have a nasty mouth
If I were a historical figure I would be: Lizzie Borden - LMAO
If I were a liquid I would be: blood - I don’t know why
If I were a stone, I would be: quartz
If I were a tree, I would be: oak - old, stubborn, and steadfast
If I were a bird, I would be: male finch - annoying as hell when I get to really chirping
If I were a flower/plant: wisteria - its beauty comes out once a year for a short period of time, and it smells so good
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: warm summer rain
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: cello - ranging from deep and sensual to light and carefree
If I were an animal, I would be: racoon - inquisitive and troublesome
If I were a color, I would be: purple
If I were an emotion, I would be: love - unpredictable with the capacity for great pain and great joy
If I were a vegetable, I would be: potato - starchy and filling
If I were a sound, I would be: laughter
If I were an element, I would be: earth - although it sometimes doesn’t seem it, I’m fairly grounded
If I were a car, I would be: VW Beetle - old style
If I were a song, I would be: “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Penny Marshall
If I were a book, I would be written by: Rosamunde Pilcher
If I were a food, I would be: alfredo sauce - rich and tasty with just the right consistency - if done properly *wink*
If I were a place, I would be: woods in the mountains
If I were a material, I would be: silk - high-maintenance and difficult to care for properly
If I were a taste, I would be: bittersweet
If I was a scent, I would be: rose
If I were a word, I would be: passion
If I were a body part I would be: eyes
If I were a facial expression I would be: smirk - never know what I might be up to, and I like to keep it that way
If I were a subject in school I would be: English - def’ly
If I were a comic book character I would be: Rogue from X-Men
If I were a shape I would be: parallelogram - fairly balanced but a little skewed
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11.17.05
Posted in General at 8:09 am by Jules
While I’m definitely high-maintenance emotionally, I’m a pretty laid-back gal when it comes to physical appearance. Now, that’s not to say I don’t try to look decent; I do. However, I don’t wear much make-up and don’t often dress up.
Today, I decided to wear lipstick to work (something I practically never do), and I realize now one of the reasons I dislike wearing it so often. IT TASTES NASTY!! YUCK….
*sigh* The things women go through to look “good.”
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11.16.05
Posted in General at 9:55 am by Jules
This is going to sound a bit tree-hugger-esque, but that’s okay.
There is a project underway in my hometown (where I still live, yes) to widen the main road and turn it into a one-way. I have to drive into town on this road everyday, and it literally pains me to see how barren it’s looking. Trees which have been standing my whole life are now piled up alongside big mean-looking equipment, and branches from the ones still standing have been shaved off one side to make way for, I assume, power lines.
I’m not so naïve as to think progress isn’t a necessity at this point in our societal growth. However, I’m also not so modern that I don’t mourn the further rape of nature just a wee bit. It makes me sad.
On a happier note, I love sandwich crackers.
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11.15.05
Posted in General at 10:39 am by Jules
- looking at my cell phone
- the words “Texas” and “Georgia”
- hearing the telephone ring in the early morning
- drinking coffee
- smoking cigarettes
- my daughter’s giggle
- downward facing dog
- eating ravioli
- getting good stuff in the mail
Ok, that’s enough for now.
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11.14.05
Posted in General at 10:49 am by Jules
You know what? Nice guys fucking rock.
*grin*
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11.13.05
Posted in General at 8:42 pm by Jules
Seeing as how I had plenty of room left on my credit line with Dell, I decided to go ahead and buy a digital camera through them. When my ex-husband left, he took the only one we had which was fine because it was “his,” and I wouldn’t have really liked using that one, anyway.
Soooo, I will soon be receiving my brand new Canon PowerShot A510. It’s only a 3.2 mega pixel, but that will more than suffice for me. I’m very much the point-and-shoot type gal. I’m really very excited! It’s been years since I had my very “own” camera. So, if I’m amenable enough to the damn thing, and it’s easy enough for me to learn how to use, I imagine I’ll be a picture taking crazy woman.
Here’s a little tidbit I thought about the other day. You may or may not agree. It has struck me that in order for a person to truly be kind to another person, he/she must be at least somewhat vulnerable. In order to offer kindness, you really have to open yourself up to be hurt in some capacity.
So, there’s a picture of a camera and a thought. See y’all!
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11.10.05
Posted in General at 9:17 am by Jules
We’re so slow at work right now, it’s driving me insane. I get so bored… and I don’t have anyone to talk to, really, because everybody online is busy. ARGH
Well, I did NOT do my Yoga this morning. I, instead, entertained some nice thoughts of my front door… and umm… yeah. *grins* Yeah… Ok, I’m gonna get back to NOT working now.
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11.09.05
Posted in General at 8:58 am by Jules
I got up and did my Yoga this morning for the first time in AWHILE… thanks to a special wake-up call at 5:30 this morning. *grins*
I feel good today. Coffee, conversation, and Yoga.. all before 7:00 a.m. The only thing missing was SEX.
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11.07.05
Posted in General at 1:54 pm by Jules
YAY! No play practice until January!
My daughter and I auditioned for a now-annual local production called “Tales from the Altamaha,” and we both got parts. I have since acquired a couple of new parts in addition to my original one, I think, but that’s okay.
Anyway, my parents were in the show this year, and it was a really good production; I was so impressed! I’m excited to be a part of next year’s performance, but it will mean a rather large chunk out of my evening time beginning in January and going through April, as I will probably have play practice at least once a week, and Logan will have it at least once a week, too.
So, all of y’all… buy tickets and come see us!
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Posted in General, Kids and Parenting Stuff at 9:07 am by Jules
I love my coffee, y’all. This morning didn’t start so well because I spilled every drop of coffee from my travel mug just before leaving the house, so now I’m having to drink our SHITTY coffee at work. When I spilled it this morning, Logan just kinda shrunk into the couch and didn’t say much. LOL. My 11-year-old understands that Mommy - Coffee = Watch Out!
The other day, she was browsing through the Big Dogs catalog, and she said, “Mommy! Here’s the perfect shirt for you. It says, ‘Pour the coffee… and back away slowly.’” Hehehehehe. Gotta love that kid….
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11.05.05
Posted in General at 9:12 am by Jules
So, most of y’all who read this know me and how I am. You know that my brain drives me crazy with its incessant prattling on about every possible thing in my little universe. There is a constant battle raging inside me. Constant except for when I’m sleeping or engaged in extremely stimulating activity or conversation.
I have realized a lot about myself over the past few days. My level of irritation at not having constant stimulation (mainly conversations, here.. pervs) or having to WAIT on responses from people - or wait on anything for that matter - is astounding. Ever heard that term “high maintenance?” Yeah, well… I suppose that’s me. Materialistically, I’m pretty damn low maintenance. Emotionally & intellectually & socially - high maintenance. I require the appropriate amount of attention, and if I don’t get it, I get ill. What the hell? I never used to get bored. I never used to mind being alone. These things have apparently changed. What.the.fuck???
So, I’m sitting here at 9:10 a.m. on a Saturday morning, drinking coffee & eating white bread, trying not to get depressed/irritated because I have no one to talk to. And now, my friend Cécile IMed me back, so I’m instantly feeling better. Dude, when is my next therapy session?
*sigh*
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