i want you to leave me alone
i’m tired of you rattling around in my head, pulling at me with your nasty little fingers
shut up and go away
you’re killing me
you’re ruining my life
and my love
i don’t WANT you there, anymore, so just go away
please
fuck off
29 April 2008
I’ve been listening to some Irish and Celtic music lately.
Man, I wish I could play the “fiddle.” Mind you, I don’t want to LEARN how to play. I wish I just could. 
As some of you may know, I’ve never been much of a follower of politics and news. I’ve taken what could very well be the prevailing attitude of a lot of Americans: apathy. If it didn’t directly impact myself and/or my family, I really didn’t care. Recently, however, I watched a movie which reminded me that I was only hurting myself by staying apathetic and ignorant. I’m tired of being that way. It’s unproductive, unhelpful, and… well, lazy. (The movie is called “Lions for Lambs.” Great movie, by the way.) All this is to say that I’m finally starting to get involved in learning about our current Presidential candidates and was struck by something Obama said in a speech I was watching. I am paraphrasing here because I don’t remember his exact words. He said something akin to, “the people aren’t looking for government to solve their problems.” I think this is absolutely true. It is for me, anyway.
Apathy swings both ways, folks. If someone doesn’t give a shit about you for long enough, you will eventually return the favor. I would take what Obama said a bit further and say that what people really want more than anything is to feel as if their government at least cares about them and what is best for them and will try to DO those things. Do you feel that? I damn sure don’t. Do I feel like the Bush administration cares about me and my family? Hell no. Do I feel like they care about anyone other than themselves and their own personal and political agendas? Nope. I surely don’t. I could be wrong, of course, but I don’t think I am.
This applies to other areas besides government, too. The biggest one for ME being the medical field.
I have been in and out of doctor’s offices a LOT over the past two years or so, and the total lack of give-a-shit I’ve been consistently met with has disheartened me. Badly. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. It frustrates me and makes me want to rail at them and ask them just exactly WHAT the FUCK they’re doing practicing medicine if they don’t care more about people than that. Is it about money? Fuck off. Invest in something if you want to make more money - become a businessman. Don’t take my time and money just so you can ignore everything I say, not believe what you *do* listen to, then shove some pill down my throat you’ve not properly researched. Find another goddamn profession!
So, what do we want? I want my government to act in my best interest. I want my doctor to help FIX me instead of just bandaging an oozing wound. I want people to start caring more - all the way around. Think about it. Remember, caring and apathy can go both ways.
When I was in college, I was definitely an optimist. I thought I was going to change the world. I knew I was *meant* to change the world. I suppose I never considered that my world-changing would be on a much smaller scale than my imagination saw.
As I’ve gotten older and more inundated with the “real world,” my view has shifted from optimism to realism. I don’t think I can fairly call myself a pessimist because I do still believe in the good in people. Sometimes. However, I don’t wear the blinders of my youth anymore. Occasionally, I bemoan that fact. I miss the existence I had then - back when I cared more about global issues. World peace. Environmental concerns. I *was* going to change the world. I never knew how. I never really even considered how, but it would happen.
At the time, I believe my innermost calling was to change the world through music somehow. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a famous musician. You know, one of those singer-songwriters all the java-heads listen to and nod in agreement with on things like how we’re ruining our earth and right-wing politics are the bane of our existence. How we should love each other more and shoot each other less. Peace and goodwill and community - on a global level, even. Needless to say, I never got there. Sometimes, I wish I had. More times than not, I realize it’s not where I was meant to be.
Changing the world isn’t always done on a grand scale. I touch people through music at least once a week. I don’t always realize I’ve done it, but when a stranger approaches me in a restaurant and stops to compliment me on my singing and tell me how much they enjoyed it, well… that *means* something to me, and it makes me think that maybe I’m achieving my purpose after all. If I ever had such a purpose. Sometimes, these thoughts are enough to keep me sane. Other times, I lose track of them and wallow in the mire of my seeming failures.
We all change the world through how we interact with others on a daily basis. My name’s not Clinton or Obama or Bush or Rice. I’m not a famous politician. But that doesn’t mean I can’t exact change. I influence the future every day through the things I teach my daughter. I look at her, and I am so proud of the person she’s becoming. Tolerant, kind, courageous, talented, funny, and just neurotic enough at 13 to show promise for the future. She is my legacy. She is *our* future. You know what? That gives me a little bit of hope.
So, do what you can. It’s realistic. It’s helpful. And it *means* something.
40 minutes
6 times
1 time
cigarettes
sleep
I’m sorry. I had to blog it. Resistance was futile. 
Jake says since I’m doing better, I should blog about it. Not sure what sort of good THAT will do, but I thought I’d give it a shot.
I’m doing better. 
*snicker*
There’s this awful gnawing butterfly something-terrible’s-going-to-happen feeling in the pit of my stomach for the second or third day in a row now, and it will NOT go away. I don’t know if this is still just Lyrica w/d stuff, or if it’s back to my normal state of “everything’s okay, so I really have to find SOMEthing to worry about,” or if I’m just… sick? I don’t know. I really wish it would go away, though.
Maybe one day I will understand why my brain chooses to either find or invent problems on which to fixate. Worry is so counter-productive, and what the hell do *I* have to be so angry about? Doesn’t make sense, man. Yet, here I am. Pissed off, guilt-ridden, and either too stubborn, too lazy, or a combination of both to do something productive about it.
BAH!
Just found out this morning that my co-worker’s dad’s death has been ruled an accident as of now. They will find out for sure after today, I think, because his body still has to be taken up to ATL to the crime lab. Apparently, he grabbed his shotgun off the shelf to do something with his chickens (?), and it went off. This is making everyone feel a lot better about the situation. It’s still a tragic death, but not as many “unanswered” questions. Frankly, I was pleased to hear the information just because I’m so fucking tired of hearing the gossip - and the almost-excitement in people’s voices as they relay “news.” *sigh*
At any rate, let’s hope this accidental death ruling stands.
As for me - I’m feeling better and better every day. Yippee.
Sweeney Todd last night was awesome! I just wish we’d had our surround sound system up and running for it. AH well.
I was chatting with Chelle yesterday, and I said:
[11:44] Perspective sucks
[11:44] If you look at things from all the right angles, nothing really matters.
This was in the midst of a bad day for me due to those dad-gummed Lyrica withdrawals. I’ve been waxing existential for at least a few days now, and I’m teetering dangerously on the edge of the depression precipice. What is keeping me somewaht grounded is the knowledge that this is temporary. *THIS TIME* it’s an actual chemical/physical reaction to something external. It’s not just my craziness x 10.
At any rate, I’ve been thinking a lot about life the past few days and what actually makes it worth living? WHY are we here? I mean, when it boils down to it, our existences are pretty much meaningless as a total, aren’t they? Is it just life for life’s sake? What? We’re just a tiny little speck in the humongo ‘verse. Why? Not good thoughts for someone to be having during a chemically screwy time, I don’t think.
This morning, however, a devastating event in a co-worker’s life really snapped me around to a certain degree and put “into perspective” how miniscule my own little physical/chemical/emotional problems are in comparison to some of the true and heart-breaking turmoil other folks are experiencing. I mean, it’s all relative, I know that, but still… some things are more “true” than others. My co-worker’s dad shot and killed himself this morning. I cannot imagine.
There’s my perspective for the day.
On a HAPPY note - and possibly as the flip-side of that perspective - today is my parents’ 46th wedding anniversary.
