05.30.08
Posted in Life at 8:32 pm by Jules
Things I’ve noticed about myself as I’ve progressed in my awareness practice —
Now, I rarely …
… get in a hurry
… get angry
… have emotional outbursts
… engage in road rage
… allow insults to sting
… drop things (I was like - constantly dropping shit and cursing about it!)
I’m still working on …
… not being overly sensitive to others’ emotions
… getting easily bored
… not thinking a lot or at least recognizing my thoughts as just that — thoughts
… overcoming paranoia
I find myself more often …
… laughing
… smiling
… breathing easily
… enjoying myself
So, yeah — wowserz for me! GO ME! YAY!
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05.29.08
Posted in Video Games at 3:03 pm by Jules
Wii
Ow
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05.28.08
Posted in General at 7:25 pm by Jules
This is a voice post I put on LJ. CLICK HERE if you want to listen.
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05.27.08
Posted in General at 3:19 pm by Jules
Finding stuff to do at work right now is so hard. Things are shifting - don’t know how much better or worse it will be in the end, but right now, it’s just boring. I don’t work as well with little to do. I’m much better when I’m very busy. It looks as though the job position I’ve held for the past 9 years is truly about to go away. I’ve spoken with my boss, and he told me something which put my mind at-ease about money, at least. However, if what I think is going to happen *does* happen, there will have to be a pretty major restructuring within our company. Until then, I suppose I’ll just have to find things I can do and busy myself with other endeavors in the mean time.
I’ve been in the production/manufacturing business for 9 years now, so I have some really good experience. Honestly, though? It does nothing for me, anymore, except take up time and provide a paycheck. There is very little about my actual job which brings me any source of reward. I’m taking it much better now than I had been the past few months, but it’s still just … well, boring. LOL. I’ve been planning production, coordinating shipping, and reviewing inventory for a long time now, and it’s almost like robotic work for me. It’s so second-nature, it doesn’t require much thought. Therefore, putting thought into it is much more difficult. I’m working on that every day, but it’s still quite unfulfilling. Thank goodness for the internet and books.
I hope all of you had a wonderful Memorial Day holiday! 
Now, get your asses back to work! 
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Posted in Movies at 2:41 am by Jules
GREAT fucking movie!! Loved it. Love love love. I just bought/downloaded the soundtrack via iTunes. w00t!!
Also, our 13-year-old daughter watched it with us. Yeah, DON’T get pregnant!!!
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Posted in Life at 4:11 pm by Jules
I’m having real trouble with accepting that everything (in form) is transient. Even though I know that this is ultimately true, I don’t *want* some things to be transient. Or, at least, I want to know that they won’t go away until I’m ready for them to go away. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way.
My ego and pain-body have both pretty much been in cahoots to regain control of me over the past few days. For the most part, they’ve won. I’m having a super difficult time with observing and not identifying and not judging. I suppose I haven’t truly experienced that yet in order to know what it’s like. I’ve experienced being conscious and aware — some. However, until I can “get” this thing with observation and being the “silent watcher,” my ego and pain-body will probably continue to inhabit most of my waking moments. I try acceptance, and I just have a hard time with that, too. It’s difficult to accept that you feel a certain way when you really wish you didn’t. It doesn’t matter that I know the only way to rid myself of that, ultimately, is first through acceptance. The acceptance is still quite difficult. OR, I accept it in the inner space that is my consciousness, but my ego and pain-body refuse to accept it! LOL.
I still use self-narration to an extent in some of this, and I had a bit of an epiphany this morning about how to word things. I sometimes narrate internally WHAT I’m doing, so it helps focus me in the moment. I realized, though, that the words I was using could possibly cause conflict in basic knowledge and Being. Okay, here’s an example. One of the best ways to come BACK to the present is through conscious breathing. You breathe and pay attention to your breath. Feel it, hear it, etc. I found that I would narrate to myself while doing this in order to further reinforce being in the moment. I suppose trying to make my MIND be there, as well, so that eventually it won’t have to be. (Huh?) However, the words I used in narration were conflicting with the basic tenet of Being present. I would say to myself, “I am breathing.” Well, it’s a good practice to often say to yourself, “I am,” but that’s all that needs to be said there. As Tolle has said, “Don’t fill in the blanks.” So, I realized this morning I can still use that self-narration to help me focus on the moment, but I can use language which isn’t contradictory to the whole basis of Being WHO I am. Instead of saying to myself, “I am breathing,” I will now say to myself, “I breathe.” TA-DA! This goes for all activity I’m doing on which I’m trying to currently focus. I drive. I type. I walk. I look. I touch. I smell.
Yeah, we’ll see how that eventually might help!
It’s Memorial Day Monday, and I’m at work. I accept that. 
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05.24.08
Posted in Life at 4:01 pm by Jules
“You cannot make the egoless state into a future goal and then work toward it. All you get is more dissatisfaction, more inner conflict, because it will always seem that you have not arrived yet, have not ‘attained’ that state yet.” — p. 206 in A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
Consciousness - or Being in the Now - is always as simple as one moment because that one moment is all there ever is. The Now. Past and future live only in thoughts, and all thoughts occur in the Now. It really is that simple. That is not to say, of course, that it is always easy, but it is always simple. Be here. Be now. BE present. Breathing, typing, even thinking - observe the thoughts, know that they are there, but don’t identify with them. Feel your emotion, recognize it as part of what IS, don’t fight against it, but don’t identify with it. It is not you. Your thoughts are not you. They are content. You are essence.
One question I have in all this - and I wish I could have the opportunity to ask Eckhart directly - is this: If all Being is the same, and we are all - in essence - the same Being, and if we do not identify with our egos (i.e. our opinions, likes and dislikes) and if we do not identify with our pain bodies (i.e. emotions), is there such a thing as individuality? In regards specifically to relationships - would that make a relationship between two conscious Beings the same, regardless of what form those Beings took? Does that mean that no relationship, ultimately, is more special than another? Or are there different levels of shared Being between different forms and manifestations of that Being? In this way, is it possible to be closer to one person than to another if you’re relating on a pure level of Being from which all love comes? (I realize that takes the form of more than one actual “question,” but the gist of it is the same inquiry.)
So far, in reading and listening, almost every question I’ve had has been answered. Perhaps this one will be, too.
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05.23.08
Posted in Life at 3:17 pm by Jules
I’m not sure my awakening into consciousness could’ve come at a better and more necessary time in my life. Some things have become more certain. Others have become less certain. With all the shifting back and forth, it’s nice to have the Now. It’s something I have had rarely for quite a long time, and without it at this point in my life, I would more than likely be a total mess. To now know (through experience) that it is all I’ve ever had and all I ever will have is the most comforting knowledge I could possess.
Driving to work this morning, I had the radio turned off and the window down. I watched and felt and listened and drove. I had an experience with the trees which line the highway in the remote area near where I live. I can only call it an experience because to label it would lessen it, and I can’t think of a proper label for it, anyway. I’ve driven between these walls of trees for years, and today was the first time I’ve ever experienced Being there with them. In all their diversity and energy. Their colors. Similarities and differences. Their raw power and majesty. It was amazing.
“There is nothing so majestic as a tree allowed to grow, unhindered.”
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05.21.08
Posted in Life at 9:32 pm by Jules
There are some things in my new NOW study I’m having quite the difficult time in reconciling. It confuses me. I’m fuzzy today, so let’s see if I can put this in an even somewhat remotely sensible fashion.
Tolle talks a lot about becoming the silent watcher of your ego, your pain-body, your thoughts, and your emotions. These things aren’t part of who you actually are - they’re separate from who you actually are. Yet, there also seems to be a common and/or recurring theme of “oneness” with all that IS. So, that confuses me somewhat. It could be that I haven’t actually heard the particular explanation which would denote the difference. It’s quite possible, actually. But it still confuses me. Maybe the oneness that is Being just doesn’t include ego and its counterparts. *shrugs* I don’t know.
Another thing is this: the gist of this whole thing is to learn how NOT to think so much. How to just be. In the moment. Without all the noisy and useless thoughts rattling around in your head. He stresses that there is certainly a place and time for thought - it is necessary. However, it shouldn’t be pointless and where we spend most of our time. Having said that, when I’m listening to his audio book, reading his book, or listening to him on the Oprah book club thingie, the things he says provoke … yep, you guessed it … thought! LOL. I have to think about what he’s saying to understand it. Because I’m still very conceptual that way. It’s a different KIND of thinking, mind you, but it’s still thinking. And you know, if you’re trying to stop a habit, you try to do it as infrequently as possible, good or bad.
Bah. I’m just pissy today is all and can’t get focused. I don’t have enough to do at work, and I have underlying (very mild, yay) anxiety issues about some things concerning my current job and my family unit’s future.
And I’m sleepy.
Which sux teh dunkey ballz.
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Posted in General at 8:59 pm by Jules
Day TWO of weariness, sleepiness, unsure-ed-ness (yes, I know - shut up), and boredom at work. I’m tired of having nothing to do here. I’m not high enough on my evolutionary chain of presence to overcome such a lack of anything to do.
Blargh.
I brought my book(s) today, but I always hesitate to try and read at work because I get interrupted so frequently. Maybe I should try, anyway. It would beat staring at the computer screen waiting for something to happen. American Gods is really good so far, and I’d love to finish it soon, so I can discuss it with Jake.
Blargh.
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05.20.08
Posted in General at 9:12 pm by Jules
I’m sleepy today.
And bored.
And resistant.
And would love to be elsewhere doing other things.
Not too good with that presence thing today.
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Posted in Life at 5:15 pm by Jules
” … it is impossible to have a problem when your attention is fully in the Now. A situation that needs to be either dealt with or accepted — yes. Why make it into a problem? … The mind unconsciously loves problems because they give you an identity of sorts. This is normal, and it insane. “Problem” means that you are dwelling on a situation mentally without there being a true intention or possibility of taking action now and that you are unconsciously making it part of your sense of self. … When you create a problem, you create pain. All it takes is a simple choice, a simple decision: no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. I will create no more problems. Although it is a simple choice, it is also very radical.”
from pages 64-65 of The Power of Now.
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Posted in Life at 3:16 pm by Jules
Today’s thought from Hazelden is:
It is a cheap generosity which promises the future in compensation/or the present.
–J. A. Spender
Living in this moment is all we really have. We are constantly bombarded with advice to live for the future, but it perpetually exists beyond our grasp like the carrot tempting the donkey. We are told to be mindful of our career paths, to save for the future, and to sacrifice now for later rewards. We put off spending time with our children, but later they are no longer the same children. We postpone seeing friends now and discover later we have lost our relationships.
Of course, we can’t be foolish about our future. We need to make some plans and delay some immediate pleasures. But for now, we can only have a rapport with ourselves and others and experience life in this moment. The present is the only time when anything can happen, any change can occur. This moment is like a fresh, cool breeze. The rest exists only in our imaginations or memories.
May I feel the exhilaration of being alive in this moment and maintain a balance in my perspective today.
You are reading from the book:
Touchstones by Anonymous
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05.19.08
Posted in General at 4:40 pm by Jules
This week’s PostSecret favorites:
Grandmother
Be kind
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Posted in Life at 4:32 pm by Jules
It’s hard to imagine that I am myself apart from my thoughts. Apart from my beliefs and feelings and ideas. I am myself. I have always been the core me - and it has never changed. It is my being. That’s very hard for me to accept but not an intolerable idea. Being never really changes, does it? Our perception and recognition of it does. But it always is exactly as it is.
Being in the now does not mean I will constantly be in some blissful state of enlightenment. Nor does it mean I will always feel peace. It simply means I will BE - in the moment. Those moments are wonderful for me now because it’s been so long since I had them. However, they’re not so earth-shattering as I imagined they might be.
Here’s an example. If you’re watching a movie, and you are fully “caught up” in the movie, your attention is fully there, and your mind is not wandering — you are present. The inner peace is there, but it doesn’t mean you have to be consciously aware of it all the time. If you’re watching a movie, you’re consciously aware of the movie - the sights, the sounds. The same goes for reading a novel. If you’re truly “in” the story, you’re present. Being present doesn’t mean you’re wrapped up in some idea of being present or some feeling of being enlightened. It simply means you are there - in that moment. If you can truly be there, nothing is mundane. Can you imagine?
I find that I am probably a more extreme case of one who hasn’t been present for a long time. I have been, for all intents and purposes, *living* IN MY MIND for years. Years. Can you imagine? I have seen more and heard more and smelled more and felt more in the past week than I literally have in years. I have felt more peace and calm in the past week than I have in years. It amazes me. It amazes me just how absent I have been from my actual life.
While it’s still often unusual, it’s nice to have my senses back. I’ve heard birds singing. I’ve felt the wind on my face. I’ve seen the different shades of green in all the trees’ leaves. I’ve watched ants crawling on the ground and seen the sun glinting off reflective surfaces. I’ve felt my husband’s warm and gentle touch on my bare back. I’ve felt the softness of my little dog’s hair in my fingers. I’ve felt the hug from my daughter. I’ve tasted food and drink! I’ve felt its warmth and its chill, its texture as it slid down my throat! How freakin’ cool is that? LOL.
Well, good morning, y’all. It’s Monday, and that’s just fine with me.
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05.16.08
Posted in Life at 5:53 pm by Jules
It’s eerily calm.
There is unexpected and refreshing peace.
It’s easier than you might think.
It seems to only ever be a few deep breaths away.
You can’t force it, really. You have to just allow it.
I can see how suffering cannot exist if you’re present.
Pain is necessary sometimes. Suffering really isn’t EVER necessary.
If you’re present.
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Posted in Life at 4:02 pm by Jules
Yesterday, I didn’t do a very good job of staying in the NOW. (I don’t know why I feel the need to capitalize that entire word. I suppose because it’s a specific thing I mean and not just an instance of the actual word. Der.) I was way caught up in my mind, and I had an extremely difficult day as a result. All riddled with anxiety and worry and tears and fears. (Not Tears For Fears, no, you 80s music head things)
Today, I’m doing better.
The combination of yesterday and the newer practice for me has made me realize something, too. You know, staying in my mind instead of in the NOW is a lot easier. It’s quite difficult to really BE present. I’m so accustomed to being in my mind all the time. You know what, though? It takes a LOT less energy to stay present than it does to constantly think. A lot less. It’s almost staggering, really. It’s possible that realization had previously flitted through me, but it didn’t strike home until I realized yesterday afternoon that I was exhausted. Which made me realize that the previous two days, I had *not* been exhausted.
Wow. Revelation. Ain’t it grand?
I’m re-reading my Cheri Huber book right now until I can get an actual physical copy of the Tolle book - for reference. The audio book is great, don’t get me wrong, but it sucks for quick reference and/or reminders.
Happy Friday, y’all!!
((So much for a short note, eh?))
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05.14.08
Posted in Life at 5:16 pm by Jules
As I was putting my Bluetooth headset on earlier for my short trip to the post office, a thought struck me. Was I putting it on in expectation of receiving a call, or was I putting it on in preparedness for receiving a call. This may seem like hair-splitting, but the difference between the two and the resulting emotion is vast. At least, it is to me right now.
Expectation denotes a sense of wanting something. If you expect or want something and do not receive it, disappointment generally follows. Disappointment can quite easily lead to a maelstrom of negative thoughts and feelings. These are things with which I am all too familiar and which have generally been of my own making.
Preparedness, however, does not denote a sense of want or expectation, really. It is just an action you take to ensure that you will be ready for a future occurrence. There is no desire, so there can be no disappointment. It can be done from a sort of detached place. An observational standpoint, if you will.
This morning, as I was putting on my Bluetooth headset, the expectation/want started to creep in, and I quickly shifted focus from that to mere preparedness. I was not expectant. I was prepared. Therefore, when I returned from my trip to the post office, having *not* received a phone call, I was not disappointed.
So, there.
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05.13.08
Posted in Life at 10:23 pm by Jules
I know this sounds like something you wouldn’t want to master, but I do. I’m tired of thinking! I think WAY too much and analyze things way more than is healthy for me.
So, I’m in a process. It started with the book I got for my birthday. There Is Nothing Wrong With You: Going Beyond Self-Hate by Cheri Huber. She is a Zen teacher, so she stresses living in the NOW. In further looking, I came across Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. Same principles, really. I bought the Tolle audio book and listened to some of it earlier today. (I finished the Huber book last week.)
Have you ever been aware of how much you actually think? And aware of how much it interferes with not only your happiness but also the sensitivity of your senses? (That seems redundant, but I don’t think it is.)
I’ve begun small changes to try and implement some of the practices of living in the NOW, and it’s … odd.
Difficult sometimes.
Easy sometimes.
Interesting all the time.
It’s amazing how much thinking interferes with your other senses, really. In order to try and keep my thinking at a minimum, I find myself narrating what’s going on around me instead. I don’t know if this is “normal” in regards to these practices or not, but I think it’s working for me. Example: While sitting outside a few minutes ago, every time I would look at something, I would think, “That pole is red… the cement is whitish gray with blue flecks in it… that ant is carrying a heavy load… that tow motor is very loud… it smells so nice out here… the sun is bright this afternoon.” So, rather than thinking and analyzing about the past and future, I was totally in the moment and helping along my observational skills by re-emphasizing to myself exactly what it was I was observing.
SO weird. SO liberating.
I’m certainly not naive enough to think I’m anywhere near mastering this skill. That shit takes years. However, I think I’m doing well for first steps.
If I can just remember to not let myself get caught up in thinking, wishing, fearing, hoping, dreading, remembering, wailing, and teeth-gnashing, I’ll be alright.
If I can just let myself get caught up in being … in the now, I’ll be okay.
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